Happy Tuesday!

This week’s tip comes courtesy of a follow-up piece I wrote for Laura Munson on how to manage our inner critical voices.

I listed three other strategies for quieting these loud-mouth parts of our personalities. Stop on over to see Laura for the full post.

Next week, I’ll be writing about how to manage grief around the holidays. It can be such a tough time of the year. I don’t know about you guys but I can’t believe it’s almost Thanksgiving!

Happy Tuesday!

This week’s tip you’ll find in detail if you head on over to my author friend, Laura Munson’s blog, These Here Hills.

Laura is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, “This Is Not the Story You Think It Is,” a memoir about adopting an attitude of non-suffering. It’s wise, funny and absent of anything Pollyana. It now sits on my shelf next to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and Kelly Corrigan’s, The Middle Place. A coveted spot indeed.

Laura was gracious enough to let me write a guest column for her November newsletter about quieting our inner critic.

To read the entire piece, head on over to visit Laura. She’s a terrific virtual hostess and tell her I send ya but first, how do you quiet your inner critic?

And now, a sneak peak at I am the Ultimate…

When I was in eighth grade, about fourteen years old, I feel in love. Not with some young, strapping, adolescent fresh-faced boy with peach fuzz perched over his top lip.

Nope.

Not even with a human.

I fell hard and fast for a word, a word when said out loud made me pitch over like a fainting goat.  It had an air of pretense and yet consciously I despised pretense because it did precisely to me what it is designed to do-foster inferiority. This word, however, strung together with seven perfect letters, relegated me to the likes of a Marcia Brady type-the Marcia who pined away for Davy Jones from the Monkees.

The word was ultimate and when I prefaced it with the, I decided we should declare our love publicly.

“I am The Ultimate,” became the signature phrase I used to announce my triumphant arrival into a room. Arms open wide, forming a big Y over my head; I made a grand entrance afterschool one afternoon when I greeted my Mom in the kitchen.

My Mom came from hearty Irish stock and as my Dad says was, “a real lady.” My father embraced his self-appointed role as God’s laughter lieutenant and gravitates to the spotlight. My Mom, in contrast, preferred to play the part of a spectator. She raised the five of us to embrace humility and while she found us entertaining she went to great lengths to be sure we knew our place.

She canned applesauce every fall from the apples she and my aunt picked at our local orchard and taught us about the birds and the bees without one euphemism. On winter Sunday afternoons, she curled up in the crushed orange velvet recliner in her bedroom and soaked in the sunny spot by the sliding glass door. After reciting her daily rosary, she wandered off into the worlds that lived inside the stack of books resting on her glass-top table.

That fall afternoon, she must have had enough of my shenanigans and found my love affair with the word ultimate no longer tolerable or appropriate.

Still dressed in my Catholic school uniform, I hiked up my skirt and with my white blouse inching up over my belly I hopped up on the countertop and reached for a glass.

“I am The Ultimate,” I repeated; poking around in the cabinet propped up on the laminate, marble countertop.

Just as I found my favorite glass, my Mom tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Steffi, stop saying that.” She lent me her hand to get down. “It’s not very becoming.”

Click here to read the entire piece.

Hey?

Where did the weekend go?

It’s Sunday already and now thanks to the time change, it’s dark when my day feels like it’s just getting going. I loathe this time of year.

I live in a part of the world that gets dark, cold and still for months and I don’t like it. My problem isn’t with autumn, it’s that winter follows it and hangs around like a relative who doesn’t know when he’s overstayed his welcome.

Sacred Sunday posts will force me to take notice of the mason jar moments that twinkle in life in spite of the bleak winter days.

This Sunday Sacred Sunday comes to you courtesy of my husband, to whom I refer on this site as The Bird (for any newcomers….WELCOME! Hey, did you subscribe yet? Go, ahead, sign up, I’ll wait. Top right hand corner and it’s free, free, free!)

The Bird works really, really hard and on Friday evening, after a long work week, he arrived home with a spring in his step.

“Hey Steph, I brought something home for you.” He moseyed into the kitchen holding a white paper bag. Read more

Happy Funny Friday!

Wonderful news! This column is now coming to you courtesy of Laugh Magazine!

Here in Delaware Laugh Magazine is a free publication dedicated to laughter. Pick up a copy at your local favorite eatieries or coffee shops or you may visit online at Laugh Magazine.

Ever wonder exactly how special you really are when someone tells you you’re special?

“Oh, you’re so special,” people say to one another.

When I see things like this video–a tribute that made me laugh, cry and think, I wonder if I am this special. Watch the video and you’ll see what I mean.

When I first saw it and the video came to an end, I gently closed the lid of my laptop and did some thinking.

I want to live my life well. I want to always do the right thing–and be big enough to offer an apology when I fall short, (which I will because I’m human, despite my best efforts).

Today, I am posting something that made me laugh, cry and imprinted a smile in my soul.

I hope I am the kind of friend, wife, therapist, aunt, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc. that would make me deserving of a tribute like this.

Enjoy!

Oprah has a column in her magazine titled, “What I Know For Sure,” and the first time I came across it, it made me take pause.

What did I know for sure? What had I discovered in my own life that I could securely hang my hat on?

What…did…I…know…for sure?

My list is evolutionary but more often than not I find my mind wanders to the things I still DON”T know or understand.

Like:

Why death is a part of life?

How come some people get to have children (at all, much less so easily) and we didn’t? (We had to battle infertility).

Why is there so much suffering in the world?

How is it that the very woman who gets us here on earth in the first place–our mother, dies eventually and leaves us here alone?

Why do we need grief and loss in order to fully appreciate laughter and love?

Those answers might never come in this lifetime but rest assured, I’m seeking high and low for some sort of reasonable explanations. In the meantime, this past Saturday evening I had an experience that landed on my list of what I know for sure.

Read more

Some sacred things are better communicated…

with pictures.

Boo!

Now how darn cute is she?

This is Bianca. My 13 year old, American Eskimo Spitz. I adore her. She adores me (even when I dress her up for Halloween).

What’s so funny?

I know some people have very mixed feelings about dressing up animals. I do it rarely and when I do, it’s only for quick photo ops.

In our house, it really is a dog’s life (and goat’s life). Bianca eats only organic dog food and yes, at times, only gets spring water. She takes a multi-vitamin every day, gets plenty of exercise and so much love its been deemed symbiotic by some. But there is something that always cracks me up when I see an animal dressed up and Bianca is no exception.

So, Steph, WHERE did you get this??

Shopping for our annual Halloween BooFire a few weeks ago, my niece saw this at Target.  She tapped me on the shoulder and held up the hat. We shared nothing but a nod as she tossed the hat into our cart onto a pile of other must-haves. For $1.oo, I figured, “Who even cares if it fits?” ;-)

Remember to keep an eye out for what makes you laugh today. As I say every week, it really is the best medicine.

So tell me, ever dressed your animals up…even if just for a quick photo op?

Who knew the topic of curtains would generate so much discussion?

I loved reading all your comments! Thank you for taking the time to stop on by.

Susan pointed out that curtains are an indication of a true commitment to a home. So I guess my interest in dressing our windows means we are ready to take things to the proverbial “next step” with this house we built. I’ll keep you posted on how the relationship progresses. Tomorrow, I am going to buy fabric for curtains in the dining room. The house, me and The Bird are going to take things slowly. One room at a time. We don’t want to smother each other. :-)

Today I’d like to offer a tip about the grieving process.

This time of the year, people often start to experience some twinges of emotion. If you venture into a Hallmark store or a local mall, all indications are you’re already behind on your Christmas shopping. All we need is the echo of The Salvation Army bells accompanied by their red, metal kettles to set off the mad holiday dash at this point.

Often though, the fall of the leaves and frost on the pumpkins draws the pain of loss up to the surface. Clients will say, “Steph, I’ve been feeling pretty good. I don’t know why I’m regressing not progressing.”

Here’s what I tell them.

The change of seasons is a trigger for feelings of loss. Oh, and any new feelings of grief are NOT a regression it is all progression. Remember, grieving is not a linear process. It is dynamic.

When the weather changes, so too, do our emotions. Memories of traditions with family or friends who have died from years past can wax nostalgia. It’s normal as a result to feel cranky, distracted, even unmotivated.

The good news?

This period of sadness will pass. Journaling, exercising, even a good cry can help. If the sadness persists and interferes with every day routines, consider seeking help. Grief counseling can be very effective. Trust me…I know.

Do you find any shift in your mood this time of the year?

See you Friday for somethin’ funny. Here’s a preview of this week’s post. Bianca is the star.

Fridays are funny around here because even I need a break from so much sadness and loss. So, in case you’re new to my place, Fridays I add levity because it really is the best medicine.

I don’t know what I would do without my nieces and nephews. God willing, I will never have to find out and with almost forty-one of them, I think I’m in good shape. :-)

Last night, I was on the phone with number 1-my very first niece who bestowed the beloved title of “Aunt” upon me first. She is only 5 years younger than I am so we are much more like sisters. When we are out together somewhere and we introduce ourselves as aunt and niece, people shake their heads like cartoon characters doing a double take. “Huh?” They say. Read more

A few weeks ago, I got a call from a gentleman looking to start therapy. In the last twelve months he buried his wife and father.

“I’m really surprised. I thought by now I’d be feeling much better. Some days I feel like I’m actually getting worse.”

Don’t fall for this!

In my line of work as a grief and loss therapist, I hear this expectation on a pretty regular basis. It is a myth that after the first year, those grieving the loss of a loved one will feel like they’ve turned a magical corner. If I could find the culprit who started this vicious rumor, I’d give it a good smack on what we Italians like to call the culo.

It’s Dynamic

Grieving is not a linear process. It is dynamic-it changes over a lifetime. People often say, “You’ll have good days and bad days.” I like to break it down even further. How you feel will change from moment to moment.

You are normal…it’s all normal

Most of the time, what people who are grieving need is some education about the process. This is what my client needed. He needed to know he wasn’t “losing his mind” because he cried more now than he did a year ago. He needed to know that his recent bout with sleeplessness could be attributed to this anniversary and a continued need to mourn. Once he discovered what he was feeling, thinking, and doing was all normal his anxiety reduced and he began to sleep more easily.

Tuesdays tip: Grief is dynamic.

While it would be wonderful to think after a year life returns to “normal” that’s simply a myth. The second year is often harder than the first because the reality begins to set in. The good news is, however, that over time, we do begin to find a new normal and the pain and sorrow do subside but when that actually begins to happen is very individual.

Know someone who might benefit from this Tuesday’s tip? Please pass it on!

What have been your experiences? Following the death of a loved one, when did you notice you began to have more peaceful moments than sorrowful ones?

See you Friday for something much lighter. :-)

Suggested reading: How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese Rando, Ph.D.

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