In my practice I see couples who routinely do not set aside time to nurture their relationships.

It might be stating the obvious, but when you don’t water a garden, guess what happens? 

Go ahead, guess… Read more

 

Valentine’s Day is only days away and the topic of lasting love once again is batted around.

How do you find it? How do you keep it? It can seem so elusive and yet, here is one study that discovered what couple’s SHOULDN’T do. I originally wrote this piece for one of my favorite marriage bloggers, Dustin, but it’s worth an encore.

Do you engage in any of these behaviors? If so, which ones?

So…what’s the secret to a happy marriage?

For my husband and high school sweetheart, this past Valentine’s Day marked twenty- five years since our first date and in August we will celebrate twenty years together passionately married. Sometimes when we tell people we’ve been together for so long-and happy-we get looks like we are creatures from another planet.  Once people process our success, the next question we get asked is, “So what’s the secret?”

Classified Information

My husband and I don’t possess some highly guarded classified information but if there is one thing I could point to that has contributed significantly to our harmonious existence, it would be that we learned early in our marriage how to resolve conflict effectively.

A few months back, Dustin wrote a post titled, Fight Fair! 6 Simple Conflict Resolution Skills for Your Marriage. It had surefire tips on how to fight fairly. Check it out if you haven’t already.  It’s an invaluable template.

But what if I told you that within 94% accuracy a group of psychologists has been able to scientifically predict, by simple observation, which couples will succeed and which ones are headed for trouble?

Hard to believe?

Well, it’s true.

Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, in their ground breaking book, “Fighting For Your Marriage” share the results of their longitudinal study on what factors have the most predictive value in determining if a couple is headed for wedded bliss or deep trouble.  The “secret” is how couples resolve conflict.

 Patterns to Avoid

By observing couples discussing an issue that is a bone of contention, Markman, et al, discovered that couples who engage in the following four patterns are destined for marital discord and divorce:

Invalidation

A perfect example of invalidation is the old stand by, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Or “That’s ridiculous.” When you tell someone how they feel is ridiculous it is the equivalent of issuing a stop work order on your relationship.  Sure, it might not make sense to you or might even seem silly TO YOU but to say that directly to someone else in a tone that invalidates their experience shuts them down. Better to offer something like, “I understand that’s how you feel, but it doesn’t quite make sense to me. Help me understand.”

Escalation

This is an oldie but goodie too. Example: “Your just like your mother/father!” We all fall into these traps the trick is not to keep them as a regular part of conflict resolution rotations.

Withdrawal and Avoidance

Two examples of this are:

1.The proverbial cold shoulder, eye-rolling, heavy-sigh-walk away- in- utter- disgust move.

2.“Yes, Dear” the stay in the room but patronize and placate.

Both of these examples communicate the message, ”I am cutting you off.”  Sometimes a timeout is necessary, and even in order, but better to say so.  The cold shoulder, placating and patronizing approach systematically breaks down intimacy.

Negative Interpretations

Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are ill-intentioned. 

In the heat of the moment, the aforementioned pitfalls are easy to fall into. Grasping at what makes US feel good in the short-term and engaging in self-righteous behaviors, might make us feel“right,” but remember, the goal is not necessarily to be right–but to live peacefully together.

When the temptation to fall into these traps intoxicates you, think of how warm and fuzzy it is when you and your partner are connected and feel supported.  Allow yourself to be seduced by the delight that will follow, when you use more effective tools to communicate. The payoff could very well be twenty or more years of wedded bliss.

Trust me, I know. (wink)

Revisiting New Year’s Resolutions: Tips to Make Them Stick

If you’re anything like me, it’s hard to believe we are starring down February already.

Many of us faced the new year with gusto, determined to make this the year to lose that extra weight, reconnect with our spouse, get out of debt, get more organized, — as the calendar turned to 2012.

Takes more than gusto

Those with even the best of intentions though, find the road to better health and fitness, or crawling out from under mounds of debt, requires more than gusto and the promise of a fresh, new year.

In my private practice, as February breaths down our necks, I’m starting to hear a familiar theme with my clients. Many are sniffing failure, only 30 some days into 2012.

So, how can you set yourself up for success and salvage any lingering enthusiasm to get ‘er done this year?

Tips for success

Start by reframing the idea of “resolutions,” and instead, set an intention for the year. Make this the year of living a healthier lifestyle, or the year you liberate yourself from debt. “Intentions” don’t carry the same weight—pun intended, that “resolutions” do.

Next, once you’ve set your intention, set goals that are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.

Keep in mind, to experience lasting change, go slowly.

Slow and steady

The success of small victories will fan the flames you’ll need to reach your ultimate goal. Embrace the adage, slow and steady wins the race. Clients that sprint out of New Year’s Eve often peter out before its time to find a Valentine.

Losing weight

For example, let’s take the popular goal of losing weight. Clients drenched in enthusiasm tell themselves things like, “Every day after work, I’m going to go to the gym,” or “I’m going to eat healthy from now on.” Sounds terrific—but if you haven’t graced the insides of a locker room since high school, or, have dined at the local hamburger joint, noshing on cheeseburgers and fries for the last ten years, the likelihood you’ll stick to either goal is slimmer than Dolly Parton’s waist.

Instead, tell yourself you will go to the gym twice a week, and feed off of the success of doing so before you add a third day. Or, tell yourself you will eat a healthy breakfast for two weeks and see how that goes. Once you’ve grown accustomed to a healthy protein shake, egg whites and fruit, set a goal for lunch.

Set yourself up for success by thinking big but setting small, specific, realistic, measurable, attainable and timely goals.

Before you know it, frost will be on the pumpkins and Santa Claus will be coming back to town and you—will be debt free or fitting back into your favorite pair of jeans.

I’d love to hear how things are going. Shoot me a note here or on my Facebook or Twitter pages. Now go— get ‘er done!

Please help me extend a warm welcome to Lauren.

Lauren lost her Mom when she was just 20 years old to cancer.

She and I met via Twitter and I’m thrilled to share a guest post from her about how she came about to  establish a wonderful organization called, Trauma 2 Art to help those dealing with loss process their experience through art.

If you are in the Washington, DC area, please check out an upcoming event to benefit this fabulous cause!

Lauren, you are one brave daughter. Keep up the good work. My heart goes with you.

And now here is Lauren’s story… Read more

Happy Valentine’s Day!

While I’m spending the evening with my honey, celebrating the 26th anniversary of our first date, I thought I’d encore a post I wrote late summer with tips on how we’ve made our marriage last for over twenty years.

People ask us what our “secret” is.

Here’s the top twenty reasons why our marriage works along with a few secrets.

Feel free to add your ideas in the comment section.

Wishing everyone love today…in one form or another.

How We’ve Stayed Happily Married for Twenty Years

We can no longer ignore that there is a host of reality television stars who are educating our kids.

I don’t like it and I’d prefer to bury my head in the sand like an ostrich. That tact however, will leave me starved for air and my nieces and nephews without the benefit of a moral and cultural counterpoint to the “GTL” (gym, tan, laundry) lifestyle.

I’m an aunt to forty nieces and nephews all by relation and many of them they love the “Jersey Shore.” Their facination with these pop-culture nitwits finds me reaching for my rosary beads. It’s gonna be a cold day in hell before I sit back and let these morally devoid characters corrupt my little darlings. So, what’s an auntie to do?

Here’s what I came up with. Read more

Several years ago, I made the difficult decision to leave my work at hospice as the coordinator of the children’s grief and loss program to go back into private practice and pursue some of my own life-long dreams. It was not a decision I made lightly.

My days were spent counseling and supporting families and their children who were dealing with life’s cruelest and most crushing blow–the death of a loved one. I listened as families shared their stories of crossing things off their bucket lists while time graciously offered them the opportunity.

The work changed my life but after several years of companioning grieving children and their families, I got to thinking: What are my own dreams? What if the end of my own life is approaching faster than I know?

For months and months I pondered, “What would I do?”

What I came up with is that I would go back into private practice and pursue my dream to be a… Read more

Happy New Year!

The end of January is fast approaching and for me, it can’t come soon enough.

While February is more attractive than January — it’s May, June and July I’m PINING away for.

As I write this post it is only seven degrees outside. Seven. Here on the east coast, that’s darn freezing. We can do temperatures in the twenties with moderate complaining but seven degrees brings out the Debbie Dower in just about everyone.

I hope your holidays were full of mason jar moments.Spending time with my family ranks numero uno on my list of things that make my heart burst with love and thank God, I got to do lots of it over the holidays.

Family

Speaking of family, this year’s first post comes from my brother-in-law who is working in Afghanistan for a year. We were lucky he was able to make it home for the holidays and God willing he will be home safe and sound permanently July 1. Please remember him, our troops and all those working overseas in your thoughts and prayers.

After almost 48 hours of traveling and a week back on his base, my brother-in-law sent out an email and shared some beautiful insights about what this experience has taught him. With his permission, I’m sharing it here with you.

I hope your new year is off to a wonderful start. And now, What I’ve Learned from my brother-in-law.

I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.  In time, all things must pass.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:   a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life..’

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands.  You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.  But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.   People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

What have YOU learned?

While I’m off enjoying some time with family and friends you might want to check out my latest piece at Savvy Auntie.

This time of the year is tough for many. Nostalgia has a way of creeping in at our holidays tables. For those actively grieving, this time of the year can be riddled with pangs of sadness. Even more so, people who long to have children struggle as well. In my latest column at Savvy Auntie, I share some tips on how to survive this time of year when dealing with infertility or longing for children of our own.

Gobble, gobble!

Happy Friday!

I’m taking a break this week. I’ll be posting next Tuesday and then will take some time off from blogging until early December.

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m grateful to all of you who stop by. Blessings to you and your families!

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