In my practice I see couples who routinely do not set aside time to nurture their relationships.

It might be stating the obvious, but when you don’t water a garden, guess what happens? 

Go ahead, guess… Read more

 

Valentine’s Day is only days away and the topic of lasting love once again is batted around.

How do you find it? How do you keep it? It can seem so elusive and yet, here is one study that discovered what couple’s SHOULDN’T do. I originally wrote this piece for one of my favorite marriage bloggers, Dustin, but it’s worth an encore.

Do you engage in any of these behaviors? If so, which ones?

So…what’s the secret to a happy marriage?

For my husband and high school sweetheart, this past Valentine’s Day marked twenty- five years since our first date and in August we will celebrate twenty years together passionately married. Sometimes when we tell people we’ve been together for so long-and happy-we get looks like we are creatures from another planet.  Once people process our success, the next question we get asked is, “So what’s the secret?”

Classified Information

My husband and I don’t possess some highly guarded classified information but if there is one thing I could point to that has contributed significantly to our harmonious existence, it would be that we learned early in our marriage how to resolve conflict effectively.

A few months back, Dustin wrote a post titled, Fight Fair! 6 Simple Conflict Resolution Skills for Your Marriage. It had surefire tips on how to fight fairly. Check it out if you haven’t already.  It’s an invaluable template.

But what if I told you that within 94% accuracy a group of psychologists has been able to scientifically predict, by simple observation, which couples will succeed and which ones are headed for trouble?

Hard to believe?

Well, it’s true.

Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg, in their ground breaking book, “Fighting For Your Marriage” share the results of their longitudinal study on what factors have the most predictive value in determining if a couple is headed for wedded bliss or deep trouble.  The “secret” is how couples resolve conflict.

 Patterns to Avoid

By observing couples discussing an issue that is a bone of contention, Markman, et al, discovered that couples who engage in the following four patterns are destined for marital discord and divorce:

Invalidation

A perfect example of invalidation is the old stand by, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Or “That’s ridiculous.” When you tell someone how they feel is ridiculous it is the equivalent of issuing a stop work order on your relationship.  Sure, it might not make sense to you or might even seem silly TO YOU but to say that directly to someone else in a tone that invalidates their experience shuts them down. Better to offer something like, “I understand that’s how you feel, but it doesn’t quite make sense to me. Help me understand.”

Escalation

This is an oldie but goodie too. Example: “Your just like your mother/father!” We all fall into these traps the trick is not to keep them as a regular part of conflict resolution rotations.

Withdrawal and Avoidance

Two examples of this are:

1.The proverbial cold shoulder, eye-rolling, heavy-sigh-walk away- in- utter- disgust move.

2.“Yes, Dear” the stay in the room but patronize and placate.

Both of these examples communicate the message, ”I am cutting you off.”  Sometimes a timeout is necessary, and even in order, but better to say so.  The cold shoulder, placating and patronizing approach systematically breaks down intimacy.

Negative Interpretations

Negative interpretations occur when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are ill-intentioned. 

In the heat of the moment, the aforementioned pitfalls are easy to fall into. Grasping at what makes US feel good in the short-term and engaging in self-righteous behaviors, might make us feel“right,” but remember, the goal is not necessarily to be right–but to live peacefully together.

When the temptation to fall into these traps intoxicates you, think of how warm and fuzzy it is when you and your partner are connected and feel supported.  Allow yourself to be seduced by the delight that will follow, when you use more effective tools to communicate. The payoff could very well be twenty or more years of wedded bliss.

Trust me, I know. (wink)

Revisiting New Year’s Resolutions: Tips to Make Them Stick

If you’re anything like me, it’s hard to believe we are starring down February already.

Many of us faced the new year with gusto, determined to make this the year to lose that extra weight, reconnect with our spouse, get out of debt, get more organized, — as the calendar turned to 2012.

Takes more than gusto

Those with even the best of intentions though, find the road to better health and fitness, or crawling out from under mounds of debt, requires more than gusto and the promise of a fresh, new year.

In my private practice, as February breaths down our necks, I’m starting to hear a familiar theme with my clients. Many are sniffing failure, only 30 some days into 2012.

So, how can you set yourself up for success and salvage any lingering enthusiasm to get ‘er done this year?

Tips for success

Start by reframing the idea of “resolutions,” and instead, set an intention for the year. Make this the year of living a healthier lifestyle, or the year you liberate yourself from debt. “Intentions” don’t carry the same weight—pun intended, that “resolutions” do.

Next, once you’ve set your intention, set goals that are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely.

Keep in mind, to experience lasting change, go slowly.

Slow and steady

The success of small victories will fan the flames you’ll need to reach your ultimate goal. Embrace the adage, slow and steady wins the race. Clients that sprint out of New Year’s Eve often peter out before its time to find a Valentine.

Losing weight

For example, let’s take the popular goal of losing weight. Clients drenched in enthusiasm tell themselves things like, “Every day after work, I’m going to go to the gym,” or “I’m going to eat healthy from now on.” Sounds terrific—but if you haven’t graced the insides of a locker room since high school, or, have dined at the local hamburger joint, noshing on cheeseburgers and fries for the last ten years, the likelihood you’ll stick to either goal is slimmer than Dolly Parton’s waist.

Instead, tell yourself you will go to the gym twice a week, and feed off of the success of doing so before you add a third day. Or, tell yourself you will eat a healthy breakfast for two weeks and see how that goes. Once you’ve grown accustomed to a healthy protein shake, egg whites and fruit, set a goal for lunch.

Set yourself up for success by thinking big but setting small, specific, realistic, measurable, attainable and timely goals.

Before you know it, frost will be on the pumpkins and Santa Claus will be coming back to town and you—will be debt free or fitting back into your favorite pair of jeans.

I’d love to hear how things are going. Shoot me a note here or on my Facebook or Twitter pages. Now go— get ‘er done!